The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
