Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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