Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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