Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
