He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
