So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
