she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
