Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
