I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize