well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
