I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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