WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
