you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize