Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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