I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
