just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
