I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
