How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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