is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
