Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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