I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
