Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
