Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
