Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
