Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
