plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
