why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
