trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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