Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
