I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
