i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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