just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
