Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
