I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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