If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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