I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
