She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
