FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
