I was born with a shot glass in my hand
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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