I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
