Only a mothe r could love this liver
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
