This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
