I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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