oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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