I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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