dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
