I accidentally burped into my bong.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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