My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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