life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
