Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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