how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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