Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
