I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
