dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
