My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
