I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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