I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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