my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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