I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
