life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
