if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He better not be in your backpack
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
