her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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